We've heard the expressions before. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." "A leopard doesn't change its spots." These expressions seem to indicate that it is impossible for us to change who we are. The claim they make is that we are static beings, that, once we have come to have certain characteristics, they simply cannot be changed.
You might guess that I disagree with this, and you would be right. I do believe that it is possible for us to change our character. However, I also will acknowledge that this will likely prove very difficult to do. Yesterday, I used the example of someone who naturally runs from and avoids conflict. And I'll stick with that example to describe what I'm thinking today.
Let's say that you were raised in a way to avoid conflict, for whatever reason. And yet, you find that this character trait isn't helping you in situations you come across in life. So you want to change. You want to get more comfortable and able to deal with conflict situations. So what do you do?
Well, you've already done the first thing that is necessary. You've realized what your character is. You have come to know who you are (and believe me, it seems that I know a lot of people who don't really know who they are.). You are able to see something in you that you are unhappy with, and you've taken the next step toward wanting to change that character trait.
So, you decide to work on your ability to be a steady presence in conflict. You discover some of the many curricula or books out there which teach some of these skills. You work through the workshop, or you read the book. You discover great ideas on what do to do.
Now, at this point, our human nature may want to stop. We've learned more, and for some reason, we tend to think that knowledge will suddenly make everything better. But you find that, even though you know more about dealing with conflict, when someone says or does something with which you disagree, you still find that you want to close up and avoid rocking the boat.
Knowledge is merely a step along the way of change. In fact, I would say that the next part is the hardest. You have to start trying out what you have learned. An opportunity arises for you to practice what you have learned, and, if you are serious about changing who you are, you have to be bold and courageous and actually start doing things differently.
When you try to do that the first time, you will probably learn a lot about yourself. Very likely, you'll be relieved to get through the situation as quickly as possible. In fact, it might be a success that you actually said something, where you would have kept quiet in the past. That might be enough for a good first time. Then, the next time, you might try to explain why you think the thing you are standing up for is right. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably still need a Tums afterward, but you have started learning how to actually do something in a different way, and are working on changing your character.
It would be nice if this were a smooth, easy process, right? Tomorrow I'll talk a little bit about failures and what they mean as we try to grow or change our character.
You might guess that I disagree with this, and you would be right. I do believe that it is possible for us to change our character. However, I also will acknowledge that this will likely prove very difficult to do. Yesterday, I used the example of someone who naturally runs from and avoids conflict. And I'll stick with that example to describe what I'm thinking today.
Let's say that you were raised in a way to avoid conflict, for whatever reason. And yet, you find that this character trait isn't helping you in situations you come across in life. So you want to change. You want to get more comfortable and able to deal with conflict situations. So what do you do?
Well, you've already done the first thing that is necessary. You've realized what your character is. You have come to know who you are (and believe me, it seems that I know a lot of people who don't really know who they are.). You are able to see something in you that you are unhappy with, and you've taken the next step toward wanting to change that character trait.
So, you decide to work on your ability to be a steady presence in conflict. You discover some of the many curricula or books out there which teach some of these skills. You work through the workshop, or you read the book. You discover great ideas on what do to do.
Now, at this point, our human nature may want to stop. We've learned more, and for some reason, we tend to think that knowledge will suddenly make everything better. But you find that, even though you know more about dealing with conflict, when someone says or does something with which you disagree, you still find that you want to close up and avoid rocking the boat.
Knowledge is merely a step along the way of change. In fact, I would say that the next part is the hardest. You have to start trying out what you have learned. An opportunity arises for you to practice what you have learned, and, if you are serious about changing who you are, you have to be bold and courageous and actually start doing things differently.
When you try to do that the first time, you will probably learn a lot about yourself. Very likely, you'll be relieved to get through the situation as quickly as possible. In fact, it might be a success that you actually said something, where you would have kept quiet in the past. That might be enough for a good first time. Then, the next time, you might try to explain why you think the thing you are standing up for is right. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably still need a Tums afterward, but you have started learning how to actually do something in a different way, and are working on changing your character.
It would be nice if this were a smooth, easy process, right? Tomorrow I'll talk a little bit about failures and what they mean as we try to grow or change our character.
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