Jeff and Adrian had been friends
for a very long time. Their friendship
traced back all the way to their childhood.
Though there had been a few times where they had ended up in different
places, life had managed to keep them in close proximity as they both got jobs,
got married, settled in, and began families.
It was a strong friendship, and over the years, a great deal of trust
had been built up between the two men.
That’s why Jeff could feel
comfortable that day talking with Adrian.
Jeff had been having some conflict and trouble between himself and his
wife. It had started over a number of
small things, but in recent weeks, had started to really seem to build up. Jeff didn’t like the way things were going,
but he also didn’t really know where he could for help. So, in a desperate time like this, he went to
the one friend that he knew he could rely upon.
Jeff and Adrian had met for a round
of golf, and as you tend to do on the golf course, they chatted about a lot of
different things. But it was around the
8th hole, right after Adrian’s first birdie of the day, that Jeff
finally got the courage up to talk about what had been on his mind the whole
time. As they stood next to the tee box,
waiting for the group ahead of them to clear the fairway, Jeff mentioned
it. “The wife and I have been having a
few problems lately. It seems like we’re
arguing about one thing or another every day.
We argue about how to take care of the kids, about when I get home, about
when she gets home, about what to have for dinner, how we spend our money. It seems like everything nowadays is a debate
or competition rather than a conversation.
And last night, I slipped up. I
said something that really scared me. I
said that maybe things would be better if we just weren’t around each other.”
Adrian listened as he leaned
against the side of the golf cart. After
a quick glance at the group just ahead of them, he asked Jeff what he was
thinking he wanted to do for the next step. Jeff admitted, with a slump of his shoulders,
that he just didn’t know. He knew things
couldn’t keep going this way, but he also didn’t really know how to stop them. He loved his wife dearly, but just couldn’t
stop himself when she seemed so good at pushing his buttons, and he knew that
she probably felt the same way. But he
just didn’t know where he could go to get some help in bringing their conflicts
to an end.
After each of them hit their tee
shot, (Jeff’s naturally heading into the rough, since his mind wasn’t on his
golf game) they climbed into the cart.
Adrian asked Jeff how open he was to suggestions for getting some help. Jeff hesitated a moment. He knew Adrian well enough to know that
Adrian was about to suggest something that Jeff might bristle at. But the situation was tough enough at home
that he figured he could at least hear Adrian out. “What do you have in mind?”
That’s when Adrian began to touch
on a topic that hadn’t come up too often in the history of their
friendship. He began to talk about the
pastor at his church. Now, these two had
been friends for a long time, and Jeff knew that Adrian had a strong faith
life, but that had never really been all that pressing to Jeff. So it was with a healthy dose of pessimism
that Jeff listened to Adrian’s suggestion.
Why not go talk to my pastor? He
has counseled a lot of couples at our church, some who had marriage issues
really similar to yours. Through his
counseling, quite a few couples have gotten back on the right path. He’s really good at working through
things.
As they pulled up to where Adrian’s
ball lay sitting on the edge of the fairway, they climbed out of the golf
cart. With a bit of a sigh, Jeff said
that he would think about it, but right now, he had to go over and find his
lost ball. With a chuckle, Adrian
offered to help, saying that he knew a thing or two about finding stray golf
balls.
It was three days later when
Adrian’s phone rang. It was Jeff, who
said that he had talked things over with his wife, and that they would consider
going to Adrian’s pastor for some counseling.
But first, Jeff simply wanted to meet him, to feel him out a bit. Would Adrian be willing to set that up?
So it was, a week later, that Jeff
found himself nervously sitting in his car outside Adrian’s church. Jeff was nervous. He hadn’t been in a church, outside of
Christmas, for quite some time. He sure
hadn’t taken time to talk to a pastor since he was going to Adrian’s youth
group way back in High School. He wasn’t
exactly sure what he was expecting, and thought for a moment about just driving
away. But then, Adrian’s question came
back to him. How open are you to a
suggestion for getting some help? And
for a moment, Jeff’s love for his wife hit him again. Yes, he was willing to do this to help
improve things at home. Even though it
was a new situation, and he was doing something that kind of frightened him, he
would do it for her, for them.
Jeff entered the building. He saw the office administrator, and told him
that he had an appointment with the pastor.
But Jeff didn’t have to wait. The
pastor must have heard him come in, and came out with a smile and a
handshake. He invited Jeff into his
office, and sat down with Jeff in a couple of chairs that faced each
other. For a few moments, they chatted
about Adrian, the common link that had brought them together. Jeff was kind of surprised at how well
regarded his friend was by this man. He
had never really given too much thought to Adrian and his church and what he
did there.
Finally, the pastor asked what had
caused Adrian to refer Jeff to him. It
was kind of awkward. Jeff didn’t want to
make the situation sound too bad, so he kind of stammered something about his
wife and he having a few arguments lately, and that he wanted to know if the
pastor had any resources that he could recommend. In the course of their conversation, the
pastor asked a few probing questions, reassuring Jeff that everything he said
would be kept strictly confidential. So
Jeff shared a few more of his concerns, the seemingly constant arguments, the
conflict that seemed to be rearing its ugly head every day. And then, in good man fashion, Jeff clammed
up, figuring he had already said too much.
The pastor asked if he could make a
couple of very brief observations. Sure,
why not? “As I’ve been listening, you
seem to have focused a lot on what your wife isn’t doing for you in your
marriage. I can understand that. We all have times in our lives when our needs
aren’t being met, and our human tendency is to lash out, to make others see
that they aren’t giving what we need.
But can I ask you something? What
price are you willing to pay to make things better with your wife?”
Jeff was stunned. Stunned because his first reaction was what
he had always thought about the church.
“This guy has some nerve, asking for my money before he even offers to
help.” So Jeff, somewhat angrily,
answered that right now they weren’t ready to pay for anything, that they just
wanted to try to make things better.
“Oh, you misunderstand what I’m asking,” the pastor replied. “What is your personal price? What are you willing to do to make things
better between you and your wife? You
want to see things get better, but I’m asking you what you are willing to do to
make things better.
Jeff thought about that for a
moment. It wasn’t something that he had
really thought about before. He looked
back at the pastor with a bit of a confused look and said that he didn’t really
know. He hadn’t thought it from that
standpoint before. So the pastor asked
if he could share something that he thought could be pretty helpful. Sure.
So the pastor picked up the well worn Bible sitting on his desk and
flipped toward the back. That’s when he
read these words.
(Read Philippians 2:1-11) Do you understand what that is saying
there? Jeff said he wasn’t sure. The pastor read a couple of the verses
again. “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others.”
The pastor looked up at Jeff again.
So I come back to the question I asked you a minute ago. What price are you willing to pay to make
things better? Are you willing to put
your wife’s interests above your own?
Are you willing to not see your arguments as competition, but as an
opportunity to see her as more significant than yourself?
Jeff sat there. He remembered those times when they were
first dating that he would do anything for her.
He remembered making a fool out of himself for her benefit. When was the last time he had done something
like that for her? What price was he
willing to pay to make things better?
What’s the price you are willing to
pay to resolve the conflicts of your life?
Are you willing to pay the price?
I can’t answer that question for you.
It’s a question you have to consider, and your answer is probably
different for each person in your life.
As we observe this Last Sunday of
the Church Year, we reflect upon the promise of Jesus to reappear and bring an
end to all our conflict as He brings His chosen people into their eternal
inheritance. Jesus knew the price He was
willing to pay. We heard a portion of it
a few moments ago, as we heard of Jesus being crucified on the cross. “Father, forgive them.” Jesus was willing to pay a price that even
included His own life, to bring an end to the conflict you have with Him. He fully and willingly paid that price,
looking to your interests above His own.
You are worth that much to Him.
How much are those people with whom
you have conflict worth in your life?
What price are you willing to pay to bring your conflicts to an
end? It’s a good question for us to
consider, especially in light of Christ’s promise to reappear and to make all
things new. What price are you willing
to pay to make things better? A
worthwhile question, because the reconciliation of every conflict has a
price. May you always consider that
price in light of the price that God was willing to pay for you in Christ
Jesus. Amen.
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