One of my observations of people in our current day and age is that most people seem to assume that you cannot be critical of another person and still care about them. In my own mind, it seems that people are just a little too hypersensitive, and therefore take any criticism as though it means you completely disapprove of them as a person. Perhaps the most blatant example of this that I have seen tends to come in the whole homosexual issue. Many who are homosexual seem to think that, if you disapprove of this particular behavior, you disapprove of their entire life, and that may not necessarily be the case.
So the question before us seems pretty simple. Is it possible to be critical and yet loving/caring at the same time? I would argue that it is, though in this age of hypersensitivity, you really do find yourself walking on eggshells. But overall, it is possible to be critical of another person, especially when it comes to a sinful behavior, and still be very caring toward that person. The challenge is to help them see that your criticalness of one area doesn't negate the entire relationship you have with that person.
I realize that I have written pretty generally so far, but I also have to admit that it's pretty challenging to present more substantial examples. This is mostly because any of the examples that come to my mind involve people who would probably not feel comfortable with me using their example. So, let's go with this completely fabricated example.
You encounter your friend Joanna one day. You like Joanna, but you also realize that she likes to talk a lot. That in and of itself isn't really the problem, it's that she tends to talk a lot about other people, and quite often what she says demonstrates a very critical view that she has of other people.
Sure enough, when you see her, Joanna comes over and starts to talk. After telling you about how good it is to see you, she starts to talk about your mutual friend Bernard (I love when I get to make up names for people in my stories!). She tells you that she heard that Bernard got in trouble with his wife the other day because he had lunch with an attractive colleague of his. You hadn't heard this story, but from what you know about Bernard, there had to be something more to the story than what Joanna is telling you.
However, Joanna is not only telling you something that she can't verify, and that, quite frankly, you don't need to know. She's also talking as though she has already made the assumption that Bernard must be having an affair. You like Joanna, and you know that she has a tendency to jump to conclusions like this. In the past you've just let it slide, but you also know that some of Joanna's friends have stopped wanting to be around her because of she does this.
So here's your quandary. How can you be critical of what Joanna is doing, but at the same time, be loving? How would you go about showing her that it's not merely that you disapprove of her behavior, but that she is hurting her own reputation by doing these things?
Now, I could make a number of different suggestions, but they would be specific to this particular fabricated story. So, once again, I fall back into some generalities to give us some thoughts, and perhaps you can think about them in regard to some specific situation that you may find yourself in.
As a general suggested approach, you need to remind the person that you really do care about them. I know, this is generally how tough conversations begin, but I also think that it is necessary to remind the person that you aren't trying to hurt them or be critical of them because you find some perverse pleasure in seeing them suffer. They need the reminder that you are doing this because you care about them, and you may even have to remind them of that several times during the conversation, and in the time following that conversation.
Another general suggestion is to offer some specific ways to help them work through this, and say that you are willing to help them if they would like your help in doing so. You might find that they have no desire to do something about it, but you still have reminded them that you are willing to help them if they should. But I think this is one of the critical components that is so often missing in situations like this.
If we fail to extend our willingness to help them work through the issue that we have been critical of, then we are being hypocrites in some ways, and not really caring in others. It's almost like saying, "Here's your problem, now go and figure out how to take care of it" without offering any help. That's not really helpful to most of us.
A final suggestion is to be patient. Change is not going to take place instantaneously. Change takes time, and often needs a lot of support. Not only should you be willing to follow through on your ideas for helping, but you can also ask if there is anything else you can do to help. And don't just agree to something with no intention of following through. Let your yes be yes, and if you have to say no, be clear on why you cannot help with that particular thing.
I know, I've rambled quite a bit. Maybe that's where my mind is today, but I really do hope that you find something of value in these rambling words.
So the question before us seems pretty simple. Is it possible to be critical and yet loving/caring at the same time? I would argue that it is, though in this age of hypersensitivity, you really do find yourself walking on eggshells. But overall, it is possible to be critical of another person, especially when it comes to a sinful behavior, and still be very caring toward that person. The challenge is to help them see that your criticalness of one area doesn't negate the entire relationship you have with that person.
I realize that I have written pretty generally so far, but I also have to admit that it's pretty challenging to present more substantial examples. This is mostly because any of the examples that come to my mind involve people who would probably not feel comfortable with me using their example. So, let's go with this completely fabricated example.
You encounter your friend Joanna one day. You like Joanna, but you also realize that she likes to talk a lot. That in and of itself isn't really the problem, it's that she tends to talk a lot about other people, and quite often what she says demonstrates a very critical view that she has of other people.
Sure enough, when you see her, Joanna comes over and starts to talk. After telling you about how good it is to see you, she starts to talk about your mutual friend Bernard (I love when I get to make up names for people in my stories!). She tells you that she heard that Bernard got in trouble with his wife the other day because he had lunch with an attractive colleague of his. You hadn't heard this story, but from what you know about Bernard, there had to be something more to the story than what Joanna is telling you.
However, Joanna is not only telling you something that she can't verify, and that, quite frankly, you don't need to know. She's also talking as though she has already made the assumption that Bernard must be having an affair. You like Joanna, and you know that she has a tendency to jump to conclusions like this. In the past you've just let it slide, but you also know that some of Joanna's friends have stopped wanting to be around her because of she does this.
So here's your quandary. How can you be critical of what Joanna is doing, but at the same time, be loving? How would you go about showing her that it's not merely that you disapprove of her behavior, but that she is hurting her own reputation by doing these things?
Now, I could make a number of different suggestions, but they would be specific to this particular fabricated story. So, once again, I fall back into some generalities to give us some thoughts, and perhaps you can think about them in regard to some specific situation that you may find yourself in.
As a general suggested approach, you need to remind the person that you really do care about them. I know, this is generally how tough conversations begin, but I also think that it is necessary to remind the person that you aren't trying to hurt them or be critical of them because you find some perverse pleasure in seeing them suffer. They need the reminder that you are doing this because you care about them, and you may even have to remind them of that several times during the conversation, and in the time following that conversation.
Another general suggestion is to offer some specific ways to help them work through this, and say that you are willing to help them if they would like your help in doing so. You might find that they have no desire to do something about it, but you still have reminded them that you are willing to help them if they should. But I think this is one of the critical components that is so often missing in situations like this.
If we fail to extend our willingness to help them work through the issue that we have been critical of, then we are being hypocrites in some ways, and not really caring in others. It's almost like saying, "Here's your problem, now go and figure out how to take care of it" without offering any help. That's not really helpful to most of us.
A final suggestion is to be patient. Change is not going to take place instantaneously. Change takes time, and often needs a lot of support. Not only should you be willing to follow through on your ideas for helping, but you can also ask if there is anything else you can do to help. And don't just agree to something with no intention of following through. Let your yes be yes, and if you have to say no, be clear on why you cannot help with that particular thing.
I know, I've rambled quite a bit. Maybe that's where my mind is today, but I really do hope that you find something of value in these rambling words.
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