Saying "Yes" and Saying "No"

Let what you say simply be Yes or No; anything more than this comes from evil/the evil one.  Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 5:37

It's very likely that you have been asked to do something or to participate in something in the past.  You didn't really want to do it, but it was a noble cause, or it was something that you felt that you had some level of responsibility to do.  It could have been a matter of deep importance or something that was of far less importance.  You wanted to say no.  You really didn't have enough time for it, you didn't have the interest in it, or it wasn't in your area of strength.  It may have been something that was very good, but it just wasn't going to be a good match for you.  But instead of saying no, you said that you would think about it, that you would pray about it, and in the end, you may even have agreed to do it, even though it was with something less than enthusiasm.

For a moment, I want to suggest that we often say yes to things that we should not agree to do, and we say no to things that we should say yes to doing.  Answering these in the proper way often involves a level of discernment, and a great deal of getting over ourselves.  If we want to say no because we are too busy, or we don't believe we have the time, or we just simply don't want to do it, we should probably ask ourselves if we have selfish reasons for not wanting to do it.  If we say no for selfish reasons, some time to reflect and discern may prove helpful.  If we don't want to do it because we are busy, it may mean that we really should look at our schedule and see if we have too many other things to which we are saying yes, when we should be saying no.

On the other hand, we also sometimes say yes for without utilizing that same discernment.  We say yes because the person asking really wants us to do it, but we are a poor fit for it.  We say yes because we feel guilty saying no.  We say yes because it's a really good thing, even though our schedule is already full of really good things.  Again, this may be the time when we need to utilize discernment in our reasoning for saying yes.  We may need to get over ourselves again, whether it is getting over our sense of guilt, or because we really don't want to let someone else down and thus have a different opinion of us.

When I was reading this verse above, it really struck me deeply.  Jesus says that anything more than yes or no is from evil, and the reading of evil from the original Greek text implies more of the evil one.  That caught me.  If I try to qualify my yes or no, whatever I add could actually be of the evil one.  If I say yes simply because I don't like conflict, and therefore don't want to offend the other person by saying no, I'm "adding" to my yes, but for sinful reasons, and that is of the evil one.  If I say no because I simply don't want to do it, or I don't want to think about what I might have to give up, again I am "adding" to my no, but for sinful reasons, and that is of the evil one.

I'll be up front in saying that it is hard to simply say yes or no to a situation set before you.  We have this need to explain ourselves within us.  I would suggest that we probably need to actually take more time to discern, to pray, to consider our schedule of activities, and then to respond with either yes or no.  Discerning is difficult, though.  It may reveal that you have said yes to way too many things, and now you need to practice your no.  Or, it may reveal that you have said no simply because you don't want to give of ourselves, and now you need to practice sacrificial giving of yourself.

Now, I don't expect that you are going to read this and all of a sudden have an epiphany and completely change how you answer people.  Perhaps the most I hope for is that you actually do make a little more effort to discern the situation next time you face a "yes" or "no". It is worth noting that we face this discernment as a redeemed child of God in Jesus, connected to His death and resurrection through our baptism.  We will mess up, and add to our no and our yes.  Yet, we also live with the perfect life of Jesus within us, with His death in us, and His resurrection in us.  That makes our no and our yes definitely worth discerning, since He has freed us from the evil one. 

Who is your Thorn?

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Paul, in 2 Corinthians 12:7

No one likes to have negative or sinful things about them pointed out.  Sure, we may say that we welcome correction or reproof, or that we are open to learning more of our weaknesses and shortcomings, but deep down, it really is something we resist.  We not only fail to go out of our way to find those who can point those out to us, often we actually shy away from anyone who would share those sins, weaknesses, and shortcomings with us.

Yet, there are few things more valuable to our growth as Christians than to have someone lovingly point out a sinful action or behavior, or a habit that we have that hinders others, or a weakness that we may not want to consider.  When such things are pointed out to us, we have the opportunity to address that issue and to grow from it.  I know personally that I have benefited from having this done for me any number of times, sometimes on matters of minor importance and at other times on matters that deeply affected me and others.  Each time, I have grown in my Christian faith and in the living out of that faith because of such encounters.

Truth be told, having someone do this for us is much like a thorn in the flesh.  To be honest, I made use of the verse above because it somewhat fit what I was looking for from a Bible verse for this post, rather than being the specific thing that Paul was talking about.  However, I do believe that we would tend to look at someone bringing a word of correction or reproof as a thorn.  It's something to avoid.  It keeps us from becoming conceited.  It may or may not be of Satan, but it does serve to remind us of the humility that God looks for in His people.

So the simple question tonight is, who is your thorn?  Who is that person that could address a sin issue, a weakness, or a correction, and that you would be open to their words?  Some might say it's your spouse, and there is something to that.  However, while it's good to be open and honest as a married couple, you usually want to focus on building up and strengthening each other.  Yes, at times that means addressing issues, but I would suggest that you don't necessarily want the person who is your thorn to be your spouse.

Consider, though.  Who is that person who can address that sin issue in a firm, yet caring way?  Who is there that you know who could correct something that you have done, and you won't build up a wall of pride to prove them wrong (or, at least, not too high a wall)?  Who could poke you in a way that hurts, but that serves to draw you to humility and care, and so the pain they inflict is something that you are thankful for?

If you don't have such a person in your life, perhaps it's time to look for that.  WARNING: doing this WILL be damaging to your pride and ego.  You are not perfect, and you will have some holes punctured in you.  Yet, when this is done in a caring way toward you, you can start to address these areas and grow as a Christian, which benefits you, the whole Body of Christ, and ultimately all of your neighbors as well. 

Continuing the Message

This past Sunday in worship, God's people and I focused on the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.  You can read all about it in Genesis 18 and Genesis 19.  Also, if you check the blog entries, you can even find a link to the youtube recording of the message.

I did want to follow up on the message with one very important point.  We can look at events such as what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as all the different events that we see in life, where it seems as though God's justice and judgment come to visit us in this world.  You also don't have to look very hard to find preachers who find it pretty easy to declare, "such and such is God's judgment upon those people", especially when bad things happen to them.

It really calls for us to consider a question that is rather important, though.  What is God's inclination when it comes to dealing with the people of this world?  Really, when we think about it, there are two realities that will occur as people leave this world to go to their eternal destination.  They will either be with God in joy, or they will be separated from God forever in agony.  So the question we are really asking is this: Does God want people to be with Him, or does He want people to be separated from Him?

If we declare that God visits justice and judgment on our lives in this world, we are essentially saying that God wants to condemn.  But is that the way that God wants to deal with the people of this world?  If God simply wanted to condemn the world, would He have sent His Son to die, taking the sins of the world upon Himself?  That hardly seems to be the prevailing attitude of God, if He would do such a thing.

One of the prime teachings that Lutheran Christians especially focus on is that God's overwhelming desire is to save, rescue, and redeem the people of the world.  God doesn't want people separated from Him.  God wants people to be with Him forever, regardless of what they have done, regardless of the direction their lives took in this world.  He wants to forgive.  He wants to show compassion to them.  No, He doesn't overlook how they have gone contrary to His will, design, and Law, but in the grand scheme of things, God wants to restore them to Himself.

I think that this thought frames how we do everything we do as God's people.  Yes, it's easy to point out sins and faults.  It's far more difficult to show people that God wants them drawn to Himself, and that He forgives them, since so often, it causes us to face our fears and uncertainties.  Truth be told, sometimes we want "those people" to receive God's justice rather than God's compassion and forgiveness.  We don't want to face that ugliness in ourselves, and so we may come across as though God wants to condemn.

However, this vitally important teaching reminds us that, as God's people, we have a God who wants to rescue people, not visit His divine justice and vengeance upon them.  And as His messengers, that means that we give a great deal of thought to how we come across to others.  After all, if the image of Christ is being restored within us, that's what we want others to see, and not our desires to see them pay the price.

Where Does Character Develop?

"...suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..."  Romans 5:3-4.

Recently, our congregation has begun a focus on reconciliation.  It's a focus that has a lot of bearing on our lives, since we all find ourselves in conflict and disagreements quite often in life.  Anytime we have conflict, we have a need for reconciliation.  It could be for something as small as which TV show to watch, or as large as when a family is torn apart by conflict.  Reconciliation is needed to restore the relationships that are injured when conflict enters.

Over the years, I've thought about this topic a lot.  And one of the aspects of conflict and reconciliation involves the building of character.  Now, character is an interesting thing.  For starters, I'm going to use the word character to mean that inner self-assurance that we have which enables us to stand firm in what we believe in.  In other words, character happens when we know who we are and have the awareness of ourselves to stand firm for what we believe in, or to stand up for what is right, even in the face of disagreement.

To put it simply, this kind of character doesn't just happen.  Well, it may be a God-given gift to some, but for most people, we have to have such character built up in ourselves.  And if part of our Christian life is to develop a life of character in those who hold the faith, we do need to ask ourselves how such character is developed.

One conclusion I have drawn over the years is that character does not really develop when things are going smoothly in life.  The building and development of character seems to happen most when we face difficulties and challenges in life.  It's very much like what St. Paul wrote in the verses above, from his letter to the Roman Christians.  Suffering produces endurance, as we learn how to endure that which we'd rather not face, and that endurance produces character.  Character is produced as we learn how to endure the tough times of life, and how to handle them in ways that fit with God's will and design.  Character is created when tough times arise, and not so much when life is going well and easy.

In a way, character develops through conflict.  How we learn to handle conflict will say much about how our character develops.  As we begin to overcome our natural tendencies, and as we seek to follow God's will and design in conflict, character is created.  Not easy, not at all.  But it is much like the refining fire.  Only as the wrong, sinful approaches to conflict are burned off do we see character purified.  It will always be incomplete in this life, but character can be refined to shine more as we face life's difficulties and challenges.

"What makes you stay?"

Continuing the theme from last week's last couple of posts, I'm still examining the idea of things such as the attractiveness, or lack thereof, which can serve to drive people away from churches.  Again, to repeat myself, it is not the message of the Gospel when I say that people are less likely to be driven away when facilities are nice and clean, and when people are warm and friendly.  At best, I would say that we merely hope that they will not be driven away by the things we can control.  Our goal should always be to allow one thing only to drive them away, that being the scandal of the Gospel message.

Now, I don't know about you, but I notice when a building is fairly well-kept when I enter it.  I notice when the people there are warm and welcoming.  I also notice when the place is unkempt, and when the people are less than joyful to interact with.  If I have to return to the place, I would much rather return to the place where the people are friendly and the upkeep is noticeable, and I would rather not have to return to the place where the people are distant and the surroundings are less than admirable.

However, I have never found myself returning to a place simply because it was well-kept, or simply because the people were friendly.  I don't find myself driving around, suddenly inspired to return to a place simply because it was neat and clean.  Unless I'm feeling really bad about myself that day, I also don't stop at a place simply because there are people there that will say hi to me.  I need something more than just a clean place to make me want to return.

Likewise, as we think about the condition of our churches and facilities, I whole-heartedly believe that we should strive to have nice, clean facilities, as well as warm, welcoming people.  However, I do NOT believe that people will return simply because we have a nice looking building.  I do NOT believe people will return simply because someone said hello to them.  These are more along the lines of things that we can do to avoid turning people away.  These are not the kind of things that will keep people coming back again and again.

So what is it that makes you want to come back to a church or to a worshiping community?  I'll start looking a bit more at those in the coming posts.

Changing Culture and Society, Post 7

Working with young people has been one of the biggest joys of my life.  I have had the privilege and opportunity to be a part of many special moments in the lives of quite a few young people over the years, and many of those will be some of my best memories as I grow older.

One of the challenges of working with young people is how rapidly their thoughts and moods change.  One moment you might have a happy, energetic youth, and then you suddenly have a moody, sullen young person who makes you want to pull your hair out.  There has been more than one moment where I've looked at the young person that I have been interacting with thinking, "Who exactly are you at this particular moment?"

But one of the great joys of working with young people is seeing them grow, becoming more mature, and taking more ownership of their lives.  And that's where I want to go with today's post.  Just like change does not often happen easily or quickly, working to enact change by raising up young people in the way that they should go is also going to be a longer process than what we might wish or hope for.  And yet, in the end, it's very likely that we will find very few other pursuits in life more rewarding.

Perhaps the best starting point is with those who have the God-given joy, privilege, and responsibility to bear the title "Parent."  I know dealing with your kids is a challenge.  In my life, I'm just entering into that challenge with my 9 month old.  Many of you have much more experience and history than I do.  And yet, there is a reason that God created the man and woman to come together in the union of marriage, and from that foundation to create the foundation of society, that of the family.

As parents, you have the greatest impact on any change that you may want to see in culture and society.  If you don't like the fairly rampant promiscuity that you see, you can work to change things by interacting with your children.  How you approach the topics and changes that you would like to see is also important, but perhaps the most important thing is simply to be there with your children, and to keep the lines of communication open with them.  Also, don't let them be the ones to initiate the conversations, either.  There are some things that they will be more comfortable bringing to you, and others that they will want to avoid as much as possible.  Even if the conversation is awkward, it's better to have an awkward conversation than to let them learn about certain things from their friends, or TV, or the internet.

Change always begins in the home.  A Christian man of about 500 years ago realized this, and developed an instrument to assist parents in teaching their children about the Christian faith.  His name was Martin Luther, and the instrument he developed is called the Small Catechism.  I honestly believe that many parents could help shape the future culture by reading that small instruction book together, and then talking about the topics that they read.

Young people have their finger on the pulse of the culture.  You can expect clashes as they struggle with the development of their identities and the content of their faith.  But more on that tomorrow!

Changing Culture and Society Post 6

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

You've probably heard the expression, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks."  While I will say that I don't completely agree with such a sentiment, it really does seem much easier to teach and to mold the minds and thought processes of the young.  As we get older, not only have we learned more about how the world really does work, we also become more comfortable.  Learning new things requires effort, and sometimes we have to admit that we simply do not want to put forth that effort.

As we think about bringing change to the culture or society that we find ourselves part of, one question that I believe we should ask is, who are the young people that can be taught according to the pattern that we are looking to create?  It makes sense to think about this approach for a number of reasons.  First, they are less likely to have fully "bought into" the current culture, especially if it's one that is new to them.  They'll be a bit more willing to do things that haven't become "the way we do things around here."  They simply haven't been part of the culture for long enough to learn those things.

A second reason that younger people are good instruments of introducing change is that they will have a longer span of time to bring about and solidify the change.  Let's take a business office that is looking to change their culture.  If you approach the man who has three years until retirement, how likely is it that he will be around to see the results of the change of culture?  Contrast that with the young lady who has only been on the job three years.  While we may live in a day and age where careers and jobs change rapidly, the possibility of her remaining there to see the change through is much more likely.  Not only that, she might be more open to the first point in the paragraph above, willing to try something different or new that the soon to be retired guy just may not want to do.

A third reason to look to the young as instruments of change is that they may also have great ideas.  Sure, some of the ideas may have been brought up before, but they may just have a different approach that could make the idea work, or the time may have arrived where that idea is now viable.  If you stifle their creativeness, it's likely that they will either go somewhere else that will appreciate their creativeness, or they'll think it's just not worth it and won't stick their neck out again, even if it's a good idea whose time has arrived.

I'll continue a bit more on the thought of the influence of the young on change to culture and society tomorrow, from a bit of a different approach. 

Changing Culture and Society, Post 5

I've noticed over the years that we humans have a tendency to think that there are certain changes that we can make which will make things better.  In a somewhat general way, we recognize that changes need to be made.  The problem that I have often seen is that, even though we may recognize that changes need to be made, we hesitate or rebel when it actually comes to us, as individuals, having to change to fit in line with what is needed.

Maybe an example is in order.  I work in a church.  I have yet to come across a church that doesn't want to be reaching out to young families and children.  Everyone seems to recognize that there are a lot of benefits to it.  So we'll create strategies and programs to do that very thing.  Everyone is on board with it.  It sounds great, and surely God will open the doors and the people will come flooding in, right?

But that's when we start to come across the struggle.  Okay, so we want to reach new families, but what if they don't know how to follow an order of worship out of hymnbook?  Are we going to discard the hymnbooks?  Well, we don't like that because we grew up with a hymnbook, and let's face it, hymnbooks are the way that God intended for us to worship.  (I hope you can get a sense of my somewhat sarcastic tone at work in that previous sentence.)  We'd really like for young families to come and worship here, but shouldn't they learn how to use our hymnbook rather than us changing for them?  Oh, and it would be great if the pastor could be really active with the youth.  Only, don't take him away from our Bible study to allow him to interact with the kids.  Maybe he can find time outside of what we expect and want of him.

I say most of that previous paragraph somewhat tongue in cheek.  I recognize that there are those who will read that paragraph and will not like what I am intimating there.  The point I want to make, however, is that we may all agree on what needs to be changed, but when it comes to the point of impacting what we like or expect, we often become the very ones who resist the change, and who therefore get in the way of the change actually happening.

Changing culture and society means that we not only identify the things that need to be changed, but that we also take a good look at ourselves and the role we play in maintaining the status quo.  Sometimes we may discover that we are actually the ones getting in the way of the change that we really want to see happen.  We may not like the impact that it has on us, and end up getting in our own way.

So what does this mean for us?  It means that we need to take a good look at ourselves to see if we are willing to sacrifice something that may be desirable for ourselves for the good of the greater culture.  In a congregational sense, maybe we sacrifice having the pastor lead the Bible study so that the families and kids know that they are valued by us and by God.  Maybe we sacrifice the familiar feel of the hymnbook in our hands because we want to make it easier for those who are unfamiliar with our order of worship to follow along.

As we think about that, isn't that something along the lines of Jesus telling us that we should count the cost that we might incur before we jump on board with something?  I believe that this is one thing that we often don't do, and then are surprised by it when the change we are working toward begins to affect us.  If we were to sit down and think about the repercussions that will probably affect us, we can either be more ready for them, or discover if we think they are worth what we are trying to achieve.  And then, if we decide that it is worth the price, we take up the sacrifice gladly out of love for our neighbor.

Changing Culture and Society, Post 4

So far, I've pointed out a couple of things that are unlikely to bring about lasting change to any culture or society.  Merely passing laws and rules, or having a powerful person to enforce change, are ways that may bring about temporary change, but are unlikely to have lasting effects.  In fact, in many ways, taking either of these approaches may actually serve to drive things in a different direction than was originally planned.

So what kind of things will work when we think about bringing lasting and positive change to a particular culture?  I will admit that the approaches I suggest in this entry and in future entries are suggestions, and some may work better in one place than in another.  I will also be speaking rather generally, making use of principles rather than diving into specifics, since in any given case, the same principles may apply, though the specific approaches taken may vary greatly.  So as you read through these, take a look more at the principle involved, and then be creative in your thoughts as to how these might work in your particular venue.

One final thing.  Don't be surprised when many of the things I suggest actually have a biblical backing to them.  I truly do believe that many of these suggestions find their source in how God has chosen to work within our sinful humanity, and may describe how He is actively at work in changing the world through those that He has called and chosen to be His people.

With that being said, one of the first suggestions that I make seems almost too simple to have to point out, but I honestly believe is a step that often gets passed over simply because it does seem too simple and easy.  When thinking about bringing change to any culture or society, one of the most helpful things that can be done is to identify the parts that need to be changed.  Let's take an office culture.  If the situation is one where the workers don't feel respected or heard, and where competition seems to be the norm, there could be a desire to lessen the competitiveness of the culture, while at the same time, trying to increase the respect that the "superiors" have toward the workers.  It may be felt that a  change needs to take place, but if you don't know what exactly it is that needs to be addressed, that could lead to a lot of work in wrong directions, and may even make the situation worse.

In one sense, we can take the same approach to this kind of situation that God has us take when it comes to our confession of our sin to Him, or to another person against whom we have sinned.  Sure, we can say a general, "I'm sorry that I sinned," but that leaves a lot of things unsaid.  Is it something recent or something old that you are talking about?  Is it something that the other person knows is a problem, or is it something that is only bugging the one who is making the confession?  The more specific you can be, the better chance there is to get to the heart of the sin and bring about reconciliation.

So, in the office example above, what is the cultural change that needs to take place?  Is it that one or two workers are trying to get in good with the bosses, and so their competitiveness is spilling over to those around them?  Is this a long-standing problem, or is it something of more recent origin?  Is it a communication issue, or a personality issue?  The more specifically you can identify the origin of the needed change, the better chance you have of addressing the real issue rather than just the symptoms.

I could say much more on this, but this post is already long enough.  We'll pick up a little bit more in the next one.

God's Will and What I Do

I have to admit that the thought has never really crossed my mind.  "What would God have me to wear this morning?"  Another thought that hasn't really ever entered my mind is "What does God want me to eat for this meal?"  Yet, I have read stories over the years about people who take the time to pray about these things, looking to God to seek His will about what clothes to wear, what food to eat, and other such things.

Let me get this clear right up front.  I am not intending to demean anyone who seeks God's will in regard to these things.  As I stated in yesterday's post, I really do believe that God's will is happening throughout this world, but that we won't always see what that will looks like (more on this thought in future posts).  And I don't want to say that God doesn't care about what we eat, or what we wear, since there are some food restrictions that God has put upon His people at various times, as well as some fairly specific detail given regarding some of the clothing options for His people, especially His priests.  Yet, I have to also express my belief that God probably doesn't have His will thwarted if I choose a colorful button-up shirt rather than a blue polo shirt.

Now, does God have a will regarding my life on any particular day?  I am absolutely positive of that.  Sometimes it may mean that what I wear will have a particular significance, and at other times, it won't.  I may never know how much my clothing impacts others, and if God is working His will through my clothing, I give Him all the credit, since He truly is doing it without any conscious effort on my part.  (And God does have a tendency to work in such a way, it seems.)

Yet, there is a lot that God has to say about my life each day.  I am reminded of that every morning when I awaken next to my wife, usually because I hear my young daughter moving around in her crib.  It's a reminder that God does will for me to be a good, faithful husband to my wife, and a good, loving father to my daughter.  God does indeed have a will for what I do in regard to them.

Likewise, as I leave for work, I find that God does have a will regarding that, too.  As a pastor, I have a God-given responsibility toward the people entrusted into my care.  God's will often leads me to pray for them, to be in contact with them, and to think about the plans that I make, the words that I speak, and the various activities I engage in as a pastor.  These all have a great deal of impact on the people that I have been entrusted to care for in God's stead, and God does indeed have a few things to say about that in the Bible.

In the same way, I also find that God has a will regarding the people I come into contact with each day.  Do I demonstrate a godly care and compassion toward them?  Am I truly loving my neighbor as I love myself?  After all, these are things that God makes clear in the Bible that I should be about on a daily basis.  Not just when I feel up to it, but as I come across those people in my life. 

You see, I find that there is a great deal of my daily life where God's will is lived out.  I'm going to have enough on my hands simply trying to keep up with all of this, much less trying to add the stress of seeking His will in what I wear or what I eat.  The reality is, God does have a will regarding much of what we do each day, which gives us more than enough to occupy our thoughts and time.

A few last thoughts on character

I've really enjoyed putting these blog posts about character together.  It's helped shape a few things in my mind, and I hope for all of you who have been reading that it has done the same for you.

As we seek to grow and adopt the kind of character that is spoken of throughout the Bible and that we want to have as part of our lives, we also have to come to grips with the fact that we will never fully achieve this.  The sinful nature in our lives simply does not permit us to always do everything in the way we want, or in good ways.  I would actually argue that part of our character development is learning how to "own up" to those times when we fail, learning how to admit to others that we were wrong, and then asking for forgiveness and seeking to change (especially if it's a recurring problem or sin). 

Another thing we have to face is that developing character will often leave scars behind.  One TV show that I regularly watch usually opens and closes with sayings that pertain to the topic of the show.  One in particular has stuck with me for a long time.  It says "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."  (Quote is by Kalil Gibran)  What it seems that he is saying here is that we won't grow our characters by hiding in safe places.  It is by being put into the new, the uncomfortable, the challenging, where we will encounter growth.  It doesn't take a lot of character to keep doing the same things over and over again.  It does take and develop great character to try new things, to stretch yourself in ways that you could not have imagined. 

All of this also takes a great deal of courage.  Courage is not the absence of fear, but is more like staring fear in the face and going ahead with what you were doing anyway.  We discover the strength that God has given us when we put ourselves in new situations and seek to grow.  (Would you be surprised to know that this also has the potential to grow us in our trust in God as the One who cares for us and provides for and protects us?) 

In all of these things, we can also rest completely assured that, when we fail, or when we falter, or when we plain just don't want to, the relationship of forgiveness that God has for us does not change.  How well or poorly we may do in changing our character still does not change our relationship with the forgiving God.  He who begun the good work in us is also the only one who can bring it to completion, and He will do that on the day when Christ once again appears and claims His own to be with Him forever.  This gives us courage and the strength to take those chances, to step forth in courage. 

Thanks for listening to my thoughts on character.  I look forward to the next series and seeing what your thoughts are!

Shaping Character in a Desirable Way

"So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the prophets."  Jesus

As I have been thinking about this topic of character over the past couple of weeks, I've been led more and more to the thought that our character is shaped to a great degree in how we interact with others.  While we would all love to just be given a good character, the reality is that the development of a good character involves a good bit of work and a great deal of consideration for others.

Or maybe a better way to say it is something along the lines of what Jesus said in the quote above.  If you do to other people what you want them to do to you, the likelihood is that you will have a good character.  If you want people to treat you kindly and with respect, it's a good idea to treat them kindly and with respect.  If you want them to think less of you, then simply think less of them.  In the grand scheme of things, how we interact with and treat others will invariably become the way that they interact with and treat us.

This is by no means a guarantee.  I'll use a personal example.  I generally try to be good-natured and good humored around others.  I'll try to greet them with a smile and say something uplifting to them, or ask how they are doing.  But there are always those who will seem like they just want you to leave them alone.  They brush you off, or ignore you, or just kind of grunt back at you and move on.  In that case, it's likely that your character, at least in their eyes, is less than desirable.

But overall, I really do believe that Jesus knows what He is talking about here.  Our character is going to be defined by how we interact with and treat others.  If we think that we are better than other people, or that we deserve more than they do, that's just going to come across, and will affect our character in their eyes.  If we are humble toward others, if we listen to them, if we show a genuine interest in their life, that also will come across and affect our character in their eyes. 

Our character is shaped by the way we are toward others.  And wouldn't you know that God knew that all along?

For whom do we have good character?

Please forgive the absence of the last couple of days.  A more full schedule, along with a little forgetfulness, will go a long way toward the lack of posts that sometimes comes up.

As we've been looking at character, the next arena of character I want to enter into is that which thinks about for whom we have good character.  When we strive to have "good" character, who do we see as the recipient of this character?

Naturally, our first place to look will always be at ourselves.  We want to be known for our good character because it enhances our reputation.  We want to feel good about ourselves, and the things we accomplish.  We want to be known as someone who keeps our word, or who is helpful.  Very few of us strive to be known as selfish, or to be arrogant, or mean, or other character qualities that we may tend to view more unfavorably.

But looking at that previous paragraph, notice that, while we want these things for ourselves, they really involve how others see us.  That means that our character is going to end up being defined by how we act toward and treat other people.  If we want to be known as "good", then we'll have a hard time living up to that character if we are not good to others.  If we want to be known as generous, it will be hard if we never give of our our time or resources to help others.

In other words, a significant part of our character is going to be determined by how we see others and what we do for them and to them.  We don't have "good" character for ourselves.  We have good character when we are truly good to others.  In fact, the way that it works, when we are good to others, then we will become known for our good character.  The reverse just doesn't happen.  We aren't known for being good, and then decide to do good to others.

I recognize that you can probably find a number of characteristics that may not exactly fit this.  Yet, every characteristic is somehow going to involve others, even if it is merely how we appear to others.  (For example, a shy person may not interact much with others, but even that lack of interaction involves the lack of others, which other people notice.) 

So when we think about the kind of characteristics we want to be known for, we would be wise to look at how we interact with others to see if those characteristics are being made clear.  After all, character is formed to a great degree in the eyes of those whom God has put around us.

Character: Good or Bad? Who Decides?

Up to this point in this series on character, I've been treating the thought that character is a neutral thing.  In other words, we come to be known for certain things in our lives, which define our character.  From that standpoint, character is neutral.  To use an example I have been using throughout, we avoid conflict, or we find some level of comfort in dealing with conflict.  In and of itself, our reaction is neutral.

However, when we look at the character of others, or even our own, or when others see our character, we tend to label that character as good or bad.  We might say that the person who avoids conflict has bad character, whereas the one who deals with it is good (and the one who seeks out conflict because they enjoy it, well, many would probably say that's bad, too).  But here is the question for today.  How do we determine what kind of character is good and what is bad?

Quite often, I believe that we do this based upon our own character.  In my ongoing example, a family that has developed and avoids conflict would probably find someone who is comfortable with it as bad, especially should that person point out an area or two where this family perhaps should talk about their differences, and not merely avoid them.  On the other hand, a family that develops their ways of dealing with conflict might seem bad to a person who was taught to avoid conflict.  That might seem overly stressful.  And many others might look at the person that seems to seek out conflict and think it's bad that this person never can seem to let anything go, but seems to have to make their point at almost everything that comes along.

But is there a better place to look than our own personal experience when it comes to defining what good character is, and what constitutes bad character?  I would suggest that we look to the God who made all things, which includes us, and includes not only our character, but who knows what perfect character is.  And yet, I have to admit that even this can be somewhat confusing.  After all, we might look at different places in, say, Proverbs in the Bible, and we see that it says things like "so quit before a quarrel breaks out" (Proverbs 17:14) and "whoever heeds reproof is prudent" (Proverbs 15:5), and we may wonder, which is better, to avoid the conflict, or to engage in it to better the person? 

I would suggest that God actually intends something even greater than mere specific verses to apply to any particular situation.  When it comes to defining "good" character or "bad", I would suggest that character which demonstrates love for one's neighbor would be "good" character.  And that is not always a cut and dried thing.  Sometimes it's more loving to pass over something that causes conflict, perhaps like a minor thing that is a one time occurrence.  At other times, it's more loving to speak up to the person, especially if the thing they are doing is hurtful to themselves or others.  Love for our neighbor, and not something from our own selfish desires, probably should be the criteria for determining if character is good or bad.

We'll talk more on this subject on Monday.  In the meantime, have a blessed day of worship tomorrow!

A Changing Character: Dealing with Doubters

Okay, so you have identified something about yourself, some characteristic, that you want to change.  You spend the time learning how to change, working on the change.  You fight through the setbacks and start to intentionally bring out the characteristic you want to be known for.  However, that's when you start to hit another obstacle: other people's expectations.

We as humans do not change quickly, and that goes for how we perceive others when they change.  We think that they will always be the same person that we have known.  So, when someone does something differently, the first few times, we may be somewhat surprised at them, but figure that they will go back to normal before too long.  Then, if they persist in the new character for a while, we find ourselves in an uncomfortable position, that of having to change our view and thoughts of them.

That change does not happen easily.  If you talk to the family of an alcoholic, one of the toughest tasks for the recovering person is having others change their expectations and behaviors.  In so many ways, we sort of form ourselves around that person's behavior or character, and then, when they change, we have a lot of things that have to change as well.  But we may not want to change.  It's easier to hope that the other person will change back to what they were before.

How do you deal with these, for lack of a better word, doubters?  That can be tough, especially since some of them are likely ones that you look to for support in the change.  Helping them to see your seriousness in changing can help.  Share with them the things that they do which hinder your change, and emphasize how important it is to you that they do this with you.  These are truly some of the ways that we show love and care for others.

This time may seem the most difficult to the person who is trying to make the character change.  It can truly seem like the whole world is against you, even those who are close to you.  I have a thought that this may be the kind of suffering and endurance that Paul was talking about when he said that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character.  So my encouragement is to hang in there, and work with those in your life who may be your support, but also some of your greatest challenges.

Developing Character: When Failure Strikes

You really want to change something about yourself, some character trait that you just plain don't like.  So you take a little time to learn how to go about the change, and then you start trying to do things differently.  Maybe you have a few times where you are able to do the new thing you want, but you find yourself plagued by the desire to just do what seems to come naturally.  You might even find that you do slip back into what you've always done before, and you end up kicking yourself for not being stronger, or for your failure.

Trying to change a pattern or habit is very difficult.  It gets much harder when it comes to something that we seem to be "wired" for.  Over the past few days, I've been using the example of someone who has the characteristic of avoiding conflict, but who wants to learn how to actually engage in it constructively. 

So this is how today's thought applies.  You've learned a few things about how to handle conflict constructively.  You've even found a few times to try out what you have learned, and they didn't go badly.  In a way, you may have been surprised that things actually worked, though you have to admit that your stomach was churning the whole time.  You were really nervous, and you thought that it might go away after one or two successful times.  But you still find your stomach in knots when you think about confronting something in a conflict situation.

So then it happens.  You give in to that feeling.  Rather than engage in the conflict that comes your way, you avoid it.  You give in to the other person, even though you know it's wrong.  Now you feel like a failure in addition to your fear of conflict.  All your work and preparation seems for naught.  You may even start to think that you should just give up.

For some reason, we humans have a tendency to think that, if we don't do something perfectly the first time, that we should just give up.  And yet, that is a completely false thought.  None of us are able to do things well without working on them or practicing them.  Even people who seem to have natural talents in areas have to work to further develop those skills.  And the same thing goes with changing our character.

I would argue that this is where the help and support of another person or other people is vital.  God did not make us to go through things alone, but gave us a community in order to give strength and support.  It's only our stubborn pride which thinks that we can do it all by ourselves.  And quite often, just knowing that we have others to help makes it a little less difficult to bring about that change in life.

So, back to the example.  You go ask two of your friends if they will help you by keeping you accountable when it comes to learning how to deal with the conflicts that arise in your life.  They agree to ask you how you responded, and maybe even to walk you through how the discussion might go.  They will also be there to understand when you fail to live up to the new standard you are trying to create, but will also not just let you get away with it. 

Believe it or not, sometimes just knowing that you will have to tell someone else about your encounter gives you the courage to press forward.  It might actually be easier to go through the confrontation rather than have to let your friends know that you failed.  Bringing others in to give you help and assistance does not take away the possibility of failure, but can give you the means and motivation to make the changes that you are after.

Dealing With Unsatisfying Characteristics

We've heard the expressions before.  "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."  "A leopard doesn't change its spots."  These expressions seem to indicate that it is impossible for us to change who we are.  The claim they make is that we are static beings, that, once we have come to have certain characteristics, they simply cannot be changed.

You might guess that I disagree with this, and you would be right.  I do believe that it is possible for us to change our character.  However, I also will acknowledge that this will likely prove very difficult to do.  Yesterday, I used the example of someone who naturally runs from and avoids conflict.  And I'll stick with that example to describe what I'm thinking today.

Let's say that you were raised in a way to avoid conflict, for whatever reason.  And yet, you find that this character trait isn't helping you in situations you come across in life.  So you want to change.  You want to get more comfortable and able to deal with conflict situations.  So what do you do?

Well, you've already done the first thing that is necessary.  You've realized what your character is.  You have come to know who you are (and believe me, it seems that I know a lot of people who don't really know who they are.).  You are able to see something in you that you are unhappy with, and you've taken the next step toward wanting to change that character trait.

So, you decide to work on your ability to be a steady presence in conflict.  You discover some of the many curricula or books out there which teach some of these skills.  You work through the workshop, or you read the book.  You discover great ideas on what do to do.

Now, at this point, our human nature may want to stop.  We've learned more, and for some reason, we tend to think that knowledge will suddenly make everything better.  But you find that, even though you know more about dealing with conflict, when someone says or does something with which you disagree, you still find that you want to close up and avoid rocking the boat.

Knowledge is merely a step along the way of change.  In fact, I would say that the next part is the hardest.  You have to start trying out what you have learned.  An opportunity arises for you to practice what you have learned, and, if you are serious about changing who you are, you have to be bold and courageous and actually start doing things differently.

When you try to do that the first time, you will probably learn a lot about yourself.  Very likely, you'll be relieved to get through the situation as quickly as possible.  In fact, it might be a success that you actually said something, where you would have kept quiet in the past.  That might be enough for a good first time.  Then, the next time, you might try to explain why you think the thing you are standing up for is right.  Don't get me wrong, you'll probably still need a Tums afterward, but you have started learning how to actually do something in a different way, and are working on changing your character.

It would be nice if this were a smooth, easy process, right?  Tomorrow I'll talk a little bit about failures and what they mean as we try to grow or change our character.

When life throws you lemons...sometimes you just get sour

Let's face it, we all have character flaws.  They are those little parts of us which we are not proud of, and which we would much rather have go away.  However, we have found that no amount of wishing them away or trying to battle them has completely overcome them.  They just seem to be a part of who we are.

Once again, in this talk about character, I'm using character as a neutral kind of thing.  Character is what we are known for.  One person is known to avoid conflict, while another almost seems to take a perverse joy in seeking it out.  While we might look at one as better than the other, the reality is that our response becomes part of our character.  And there are times where we really wish our character could be different.

Let's take my illustration from the previous paragraph.  Let's say that I am a person who avoids conflict.  This could be for a number of reasons.  It may be that I grew up in a family that made it a habit to avoid talking about difficult issues, or the theme of my family may have been "don't rock the boat."  While these may have shaped my character to avoid conflict, it's very likely that there would be times in my life where I would really wish that I had the courage to stand up for something, or to address someone in something that I know is wrong. 

Now, in this situation, I could recognize that my character is to avoid conflict.  However, wanting things to be different is likely not going to suddenly make things different.  It would take major work and effort to bring about that kind of character change, and very likely, that initial character will always be present, no matter how much I may learn how to deal with conflict, or to see the need for it, or even develop tools to be better equipped for it.  In all likelihood, my initial response will probably always be a bit of a recoil.

A vital part of our character development happens when we encounter negative experiences in life.  We may become bitter, or fearful, or we may try to overcompensate by going in the opposite direction.  And when we look back on it later in life, we may wish that we had developed different characteristics at a younger age. 

So what do you do when you come to a point of wanting to change your character?  Tune in tomorrow for a few thoughts on that!

Character: in good times or bad?

I apologize for not getting a blog post up on Saturday, as I was dealing with an illness.  Though you have probably noticed by now that my character is not such that I consistently hit my goal of blogging 6 times a week. 

Last week, I ended by asking if character is something we are born with, or something that develops through life experience.  You may recall that I believe it's a little bit of both, that we have certain things that we are born with, and that we can grow in character through life experience as well.  So today, I want to look a little bit at the growth of character as we experience life.

If I were to ask you what some of the most influential experiences have been which have made you who you are today, would they consist of mostly good events or bad events in life?  As I look back at a number of different things that have shaped my character, I tend to find that those elements developed as a result of events that tended to be more difficult.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that good events can help shape our character, too.  However, it does seem that character is built most when we find ourselves tested.

The apostle Paul also seemed to note this.  Romans 5:3-4 states that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character.  When we are challenged in life, we tend to discover who we are.  When trials come upon us, we discover much about ourselves.  Sometimes what we discover is good.  Sometimes we don't like what we discover, and so we make an intentional effort to make a change.

Once again, I'd like to point out that these trials and challenges reveal our character, which consists of what we are known for.  Someone who encounters a challenge in life and runs from it finds that the challenge reveals the characteristic of flight.  On the other hand, another person might encounter that challenge, and then strive to bring good out of the situation, regardless of how difficult that might be.  The challenge reveals the characteristic of fight.  This is not to say that one is better than the other, but that, in both situations, the challenge revealed the character of the person.

How have bad events or experienced shaped your character?  Well, they don't always do so in ways that we are proud of.  So tomorrow, I'll look a little bit at that. 

How do you build character?

Yesterday I kicked off a blog series talking about character.  I'm finding that the discussion on character is very interesting, and wanted to put a few thoughts out there about how you build up character in life.

I've heard and read two different "theories" about character development.  The first one says that you are born with your character, or at least, the foundation is there before you ever start working on it.  This theory would say that we are born with certain fundamental personality aspects that will simply build up over time as we grow.  For example, a person whose character can be defined as trustworthy is someone who was born with some kind of leaning or gift in that direction.

The second theory about character development says that character aspects are nurtured and grown through life experience.  What you are taught as you grow up, the various experiences in life, and your willingness to learn and adapt shape your character as you grow.  For example, that same person with the character trait of trustworthiness becomes so because he learns that being trustworthy is preferable to being untrustworthy, he finds himself in situations that reinforce that, and so these experiences shape his character.

Personally, I see a little bit of each of these at work in shaping our character.  God creates each of us unique, which means that we each have a distinct personality and character that God has put inside of us as we were conceived and born.  However, the experiences that we face in life help to either build upon that character, or work to alter it as we go through life.  A person whom God created as a very caring, trustworthy person may find herself in a situation where she experiences abuse, and so she finds it difficult to trust others, even though she may really want to.  Her care for others is influenced by the lack of care she has experienced in life, and without someone there to develop that character trait, she may find it challenging to care for others, especially if she has had that character trait used against her.

On the other hand, you can take someone who doesn't seem very caring, and then introduce them into a situation where the need for care becomes very apparent.  A person who finds his parents suddenly disabled in a car accident may suddenly discover that caring is something that he needs to do, regardless of how intuitively it may come to him.  By caring for his parents, he learns how to care for others, and that experience shapes his character, even if such caring does not come easily to him.

It would seem that the ideal would be to nurture those character traits which God gives us in our nature, and to let our life experience nurture them to even greater levels.  (As an aside, this is one reason why I believe that everyone should be open to new situations and trying something that you've never done before.  You never know how much such an experience will shape you, and how it will help sharpen your character as you endure through it.)  When a person has the gift of caring, and then puts herself in a situation where she can demonstrate that care, she will likely find even greater ways of enhancing that character. 

Just a few thoughts from me.  Feel free to let me know if you agree, disagree, or just have a few thoughts to share!